The Girl in the Mirror

It's been a while since I posted something more personal, but I learned a great insight today in Relief Society and wanted to write about it.

We were talking about enduring to the end and how we cope with trials. Someone mentioned something about beating themselves up for being down. That sounded familiar to me. I instantly thought about an experience I had not too long ago. I was home alone getting ready for the day, feeling discouraged about a trial I have been going through for a long time. This is not a trial brought on by sin, but just one of those things I have been asked to go through in this life. As I put on my makeup, I could feel myself getting frustrated. "If I look pretty enough, I can cover up what I'm feeling and compensate for the sadness I feel inside. Because I am NOT allowed to feel sad. I am NOT allowed to be weak." These were my thoughts.

I looked down from the mirror for a moment. When I looked back up, I saw there were tears in my eyes. I saw myself honestly for the first time in a long time. It was like the unforgiving, denying me was looking at the real me, who is simply human, struggling with something hard. And the real me was begging for mercy. All of the sudden, my critical thoughts vanished. In that split second, I glimpsed at what I had been doing to myself, and I wanted to stop. I realized those two girls are the same girl, one pointlessly persecuting the other.

"Be patient with yourself," was the thought I had. "Allow yourself to feel what you feel."

Another Sister mentioned Nephi's Psalm, and this opened my eyes even further. Nephi said, "Oh wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh . . . NEVERTHELESS (I love that word) I know in whom I have trusted . . . Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."

That part strikes me really hard: Give no more place for the enemy of my soul. Because he will only tear me down. Because he will only make it harder for me to endure. Because he delights in my sorrow. Because I was made for better things. Because I can replace the enemy of my soul with my soul's ultimate Friend.

I saw a different girl in the mirror that day, and I let her tormentor go.